Knights Of Badassdom

This is yet another Metalhead Comedy that assumes that over-the-top ridiculousness will make it so cheesy that it's awesome. Although this assumption holds true at times, there are also disappointingly predictable moments and stale humor that makes me question the sanity of whoever made the film. To its credit, Knights Of Badassdom features a cameo appearance by Brian Posehn, and the hero's  requisite love interest is Summer Glau in a leather skirt and corset. Yowza!

The plot is fairly straightforward: The main character is moping over his failed relationship with his ex-girlfriend (No, not Summer Glau. He's crying over some bimbo who can't even tell the difference between Black Metal and Doom.) In an effort to cheer him up, his friends take him to a LARP convention, where they accidentally summon a succubus. Naturally, the convention is nothing but a buffet to her, where she terrorizes helpless nerds armed only with plastic shields and foam swords.

Although many jokes fell flat, and the story was pretty corny, it was a thoroughly enjoyable movie. There were several allusions to Metal and Rock bands, including Children Of Bodom, Led Zeppelin,  and others. It's exactly what one should expect from  a comedy about cosplay, RPGs, sex demons, and Doom Metal. Sure, it's kind of hokey, but it was also funny and entertaining. Three stars outta five.

The Stoned Age: A Very Bitchy Movie Review

This movie must have had a budget of $100 and some stolen Ox 45. Whoever said this was better than Dazed And Confused was clearly paid to do so.

This was a failed attempt at stoner/rocker humor by dumbass movie executives who obviously don't know what they're doing. They were trying to portray a demographic that they don't even understand. Of course I resent the portrayal of Metalheads as horny, drug addicted Neanderthals. The main characters' entire Modus Operandum is weed and sex. If you mistake my righteous indignation for defensiveness, just think how obnoxious it would be if Hollywood presented Country fans as Bible-thumping bigots, Hip-Hop fans as uneducated thugs, or Punk Rockers as ornery brats.

Every single character is an irritating  combination of pathetic loser and selfish prick. Even the love interests are slutty, backstabbing harpies. The requisite hot blonde chick is first introduced as a skank demanding drugs from the protagonists. When they say they don't have any Crank, she just keeps going down the list of outdated street terms for meth that the screen writer probably learned from a Reagan-era "Just Say No" after-school special. The gross misuse/overuse of slang was completely distracting, but since the plot was so predictable it didn't really matter anyway.

Not only was it predictable, but it also required a ridiculous suspension of disbelief. There are two-- Count 'em, TWO --- "Hot chicks" that everyone is after. A whole herd of heshers break the law, risk life and limb, and generally go out of their way for a mere CHANCE to bang the babes who aren't even that bodacious. I understand that cartoonish, ridiculous situations have a place in Metal comedies (Ex: Wayne's World, Bill And Ted). But this is fucking stupid. 


 Although I hate the movie as a whole, one scene stands apart, a paragon of exquisite stupidity that would never be seen outside the film industry:  One protagonist, Joe, gets his ass kicked by his partner in crime,  Hubbs, for listening to an 8 track. According to Hubbs,  "Don't Fear The Reaper is a pussy song."

... Said no one ever! Even people who don't consider themselves Metalheads recognize that track as a masterpiece. It's fuckin' classic. What kind of idiot would even write that line in a script? Falser words were never uttered.

 The sad attempts at humor constantly miss the mark. The only saving grace was the constant Blue Oyster Cult references, and even those got old after a while.  Let me spare you the misery of watching and just sum up the script for you:

"Hey man, let's find some chicks so we can get laid, dude! Bro! Bodacious! Awesome! This weed is skank! Those bitches are fine! We're using slang! Bro!"

 This single pentagram is only to acknowledge the soundtrack, which includes Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, T-Rex, Ted Nugent, Foghat, and of course, copious amounts of B.O.C.  Yeah, the soundtrack is the solitary good part.  Only one fucking star out of five.

For more of my bitchy reviews, check out my not-so-nice thoughts on Hesher.  Or if you want to see my blind hatred of untalented bands, here's a link to my review of We Came As Romans.

Hesher: A Very Bitchy Movie Review

I hate to be blunt, but this movie is a total drag. When I first read blurbs hailing the film as gruesome, dramatic, and hilarious, I was expecting something between Rockstar and Dead Alive. What I got instead was something between a chick-flick and a home movie. The plot is tedious, unless you want to spend an hour and a half of watching a 13 year old suffering constantly. Seriously, the protagonist, T.J, is tormented by his own family, school bullies, authority figures, and especially by the titular character, Hesher. The bad guys are all one-dimensionally cruel, with an annoying heartlessness bordering on that of a cartoon supervillain. Even the good guys are a pain in the ass, as they seem to be pathetic martyrs who passively suffer. For a movie that revolves around death, violence, and substance abuse, it somehow manages to be incredibly boring. Like all dramas, it has the requisite family dinner scene in which the males yell at each other, break the dishes, and storm off while the womenfolk weep and plead them to stop.

As for Hesher himself...
For all the depth he has, he might as well be a stick figure shouting "Weed! Beer! Motorhead! Fire! I'm an asshole! Rawr!" He is basically a caricature of all the negative stereotypes about Metalheads. On the plus side, at least he's not predictable. Even if you don't know what his next move will be, you can rest assured that he is consistently acting like a horrible dick. The worst part is, he'd be kind of hot if he wasn't such an insufferable asshole.

I'm not just being facetious when I say that the credits are my favorite part of the movie. That is the only time you hear a Metal song in its entirety, and I was also mildly entertained by the gallery of Hesher's art that looks like obscene graffiti from a bathroom stall. 

As grueling as this film is, it isn't all bad. The scene in which Hesher smokes weed with the Grandmother is so wrong, yet so beautiful, like the breast-feeding scenario in Grapes Of Wrath.  For the most part, however, this is an account of unjust existential tragedy, the likes of which I haven't seen since the Old Testament. I can acknowledge the allure of the movie's concept, but in all honesty, I pretty much hated the whole thing. Two stars outta five.